Squeezing My Heart

God is delighting in the essence that is being released as my heart is being squeezed.

This is some ways has been a very, very rough year. In other ways it has been one of the best that Gabi and I have enjoyed. High and low, up and down, in and out. I tremble to complain because of the goodness of God, Pastor Carter, Concord, my friends and family. There are way too many blessings to even begin to think about yet God still delights to squeeze me in one area in my life.

A few years back it was the betrayal of a daughter and a son. The son I looked to as a brother and one of my best friends. Though he was not blood his heart seemed to care for mine. Later, I would learn that he longs to love but has no backbone and allowed the women in his life to rule him. God have mercy. The pain he caused, God reaching in and teaching me about true friends and foolish reliance upon weak men. I was nice. I am not nice any more. Then a daughter. God used me powerfully in her life. And then another friend turned her heart against me. God has done of wonderful work of raising her femininity and purity from the dead and I was a guardian of her heart. And she betrayed my heart. The pain of this is beyond measure and numbs me even to this day. There are sins that I would gladly give account for but I have done nothing against this woman. And other weak men, especially of Tres Dias have followed their lies. Again another wound.

God delights to use another means of grabbing my heart. He delights in the pain of the heart and the effect that it has upon the soul. This brokenness releases the true essence of the heart. His Spirit is allowed for flow freely beyond understanding. My heart is able to touch others, bring His healing through the wounds of my heart. I am wonderfully humbled by His presence and power in my woundedness. Therefore, I delight in the wounds of my friends, though I still suffer from their sin. I quiet myself in my anger and rage toward them and direct myself toward the hurt and move toward God. As I exchange my anger for my hurt He then delights to release His anger toward them. Not in a vindictive way but redemptive. He reaches into their heart to get their attention. I do not rejoice in the pain necessary to bring a saint from their sin but I rejoice in God's justice. He is just. Pain for pain they will share. That is, if I release the anger. If I hold to the anger, I just add to my soul pain which has very little value. My heart pain matures me and those around me. Shared heart pain matures those who share in its grief.

So saint, stay with the pain. God will discipline in His time and His way. Every child is disciplined for their own sin. You can't convict or convince someone of their sin. God must do it. If they harden their heart God will judge them. Sometimes for all to see. I have seen this several times and not once did I or the hurt person rejoice over someone being judged. It is horrific. It is complete. It is terrifying. Always.