The second pillar of healthy relationships is GRACE. Grace means unlimited and unconditional access to my heart in spite of you lying. This means keeping the path way open to your heart even when the other person has betrayed a sacred trust of your heart. When two hearts commune there is a bond that is built. It begins in love and grows into trust, commitment and covenant. Grace is what maintains this relationship. We grow by hurting the other person and their values become ours or we disrespect the person's heart and the relationship dies.
Sex is so very powerful and dangerous. Sex focuses the mind on the body and its appetites and not the heart. Sex dilutes the communion and forces the couple to later rebuild what was damaged in the mating process. When a couple longs for a spiritual foundation for their relationship they guard against the damage that sex can bring to the relationship. Sex is awesome when applied at the right time. It is the oil of joy for a healthy marriage but the acid of pain for two selfish people who don't trust or know God.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Essence of a Relationship - TRUTH
A relationship is built upon five pillars.
The first pillar is TRUTH. For a relationship to work and abide there must be a healthy respect in each person's life for the truth. For the heart to draw together toward another heart there must be a communion of truth. Most relationships have special areas of truth that are shared. While the friendship may exclude other truths the relationship must be built upon an understanding and communciation of certain truths that are expected to be protected and maintained.
The essence of truth between two hearts is very simple - unlimited and unconditional access to the heart. This means you let the person inside you without barriers. This means the mind is not allowed to edit the person as they approach the heart, this means the emotions are not allowed to rule as they prophesy this person's failure with your heart. You let them in. And they see you for who you really are. They are able to distinguish your heart from your mind and feelings. They know your heart. In some ways, they know you better than you know yourself.
The first pillar is TRUTH. For a relationship to work and abide there must be a healthy respect in each person's life for the truth. For the heart to draw together toward another heart there must be a communion of truth. Most relationships have special areas of truth that are shared. While the friendship may exclude other truths the relationship must be built upon an understanding and communciation of certain truths that are expected to be protected and maintained.
The essence of truth between two hearts is very simple - unlimited and unconditional access to the heart. This means you let the person inside you without barriers. This means the mind is not allowed to edit the person as they approach the heart, this means the emotions are not allowed to rule as they prophesy this person's failure with your heart. You let them in. And they see you for who you really are. They are able to distinguish your heart from your mind and feelings. They know your heart. In some ways, they know you better than you know yourself.
My Father
Happy Birthday to me. I had written out a lot of things that I wanted as I entered my fifities and one thing that came short stood out - I wanted a ranch. Cattle, a pond, a windmill and some horses. As I was spending time with God yesterday, on my birthday, I noticed that God was very careful with the desires of my heart and neglectful with the desires of my mind and understanding. He is a good father to me. Thank You, God, my Father! You are so good to me. Thank You for watching over the desires of my heart.
10,000 hours
Just finished a great book. Outliers by Malcolm Gladstone. He documents the power of practice.
What is the one thing you have been practicing for the last eight years for more than twenty hours per week? You tell me what that thing is and I will tell you what you are very good at.
Several young men that I have helped have spent the last eight years lusting for women. Yuck! And that is all they know now. Through high school, through college and now they long to be celebrate with their wives yet the power of practice overwhelms them. Imagine if they had dedicated themselves to prayer or to study of the Bible?
Ladies usually have celebrated fear or anger over the last eight years and they are very good at it. In fact, they are so good at it they do not know they are even doing it when they do it. It has become second nature to them. OUCH! Their children know they do it. Their spouse knows they do it. Imagine a young lady choosing faith over fear for the next eight years. WOW! She will become a master of faith.
Imagine a young person learning to control their tongue and open their ears to the heart of God. Imagine them shutting off the TV, radio and other entertainment modes so that they can listen to the heart of God. Imagine this person eight years later! An expert on the heart of God. WOW!
Become that person who for the next eight years does one thing - focus on the heart of God.
What is the one thing you have been practicing for the last eight years for more than twenty hours per week? You tell me what that thing is and I will tell you what you are very good at.
Several young men that I have helped have spent the last eight years lusting for women. Yuck! And that is all they know now. Through high school, through college and now they long to be celebrate with their wives yet the power of practice overwhelms them. Imagine if they had dedicated themselves to prayer or to study of the Bible?
Ladies usually have celebrated fear or anger over the last eight years and they are very good at it. In fact, they are so good at it they do not know they are even doing it when they do it. It has become second nature to them. OUCH! Their children know they do it. Their spouse knows they do it. Imagine a young lady choosing faith over fear for the next eight years. WOW! She will become a master of faith.
Imagine a young person learning to control their tongue and open their ears to the heart of God. Imagine them shutting off the TV, radio and other entertainment modes so that they can listen to the heart of God. Imagine this person eight years later! An expert on the heart of God. WOW!
Become that person who for the next eight years does one thing - focus on the heart of God.
Fear and Feelings
Fear and feelings lurk about seeking someone to devour. Sound familiar? Satan's quickest and most effective path into a Christian soul is through the pathway of the feelings and nurtured fears. The soul secretly nourishes a relationship with fears and the feelings let the fears leak into our mind and emotions, seeking to dominate us.
Fear tells men they are inadequate and causes us to hide, hesitate and generally not show up when we are needed. Most of fatherhood and being a husband is about being there when you are needed. Most of the resources that our wives and children need are brought simply by our presence. In spiritual counseling the secret is quite simple - God shows up. He manifests His presence and people are changed. Fear and feelings are instantly subjected to His presence if the person is a practicing Christian, i.e. worshipping.
Fear tells women that they are not enough. Fear tells women that there is another woman coming who will be enough. I have never seen fear ever help a woman be ready for her husband's failure or recover. I have seen fear prophesy a husband's failure for years and then turn around and say, "I told you so" for years later.
I have also seen faith prophesy a husband's success. I have seen God use a wife's faith and love to restore a husband prophetically before he fell and after he fell. And I have seen her faith protect her beauty all the way through the process. Fear or Faith. Which one talks to you?
Fear tells men they are inadequate and causes us to hide, hesitate and generally not show up when we are needed. Most of fatherhood and being a husband is about being there when you are needed. Most of the resources that our wives and children need are brought simply by our presence. In spiritual counseling the secret is quite simple - God shows up. He manifests His presence and people are changed. Fear and feelings are instantly subjected to His presence if the person is a practicing Christian, i.e. worshipping.
Fear tells women that they are not enough. Fear tells women that there is another woman coming who will be enough. I have never seen fear ever help a woman be ready for her husband's failure or recover. I have seen fear prophesy a husband's failure for years and then turn around and say, "I told you so" for years later.
I have also seen faith prophesy a husband's success. I have seen God use a wife's faith and love to restore a husband prophetically before he fell and after he fell. And I have seen her faith protect her beauty all the way through the process. Fear or Faith. Which one talks to you?
Are you desperate?
When parents bring a youth into my office one of the questions they long to have answered is What is going on with my child's sexual development? One of the key questions the Holy Spirit leads me to ask again and again is are they desperate to be awakened or are they eager? There is a healthy aspect to a child who longs to have their sexual identity awakened, verified and celebrated. However, if there is present pain in the child's life and/or the absence of a present, involved and engaged father then the child has a tendency to become desperate about their sexuality.
This aspect of DESPERATE and EAGER applies to a lot of areas of life. Are you eager or desperate to please your spouse? Are you desperate or eager to please your boss, your children, your parents? Desperate means dysfunctional. Desperate means that you need something from that relationship and those who are desperate sometimes find themselves to be thieves. Soul thieves.
Sometime a wife gets desperate for her husband's affection so she tries to train him. Sex him when he does what is right and starve him when he fails. Men train well most of the time. Yet then the maintenance of a man falls upon the wife and that gets old real quick. Learn the prayer path to his Father in Heaven. If God watches over the number of hairs upon your head, He is also watching over all your needs.
What are you desperate for? What is the one thing you are desperate for? God's presence? The Second Coming of the LORD? Your next paycheck? Quiet time in the mornings are a place to still the soul so that our hunger for the day is for one thing - His presence present in our lives.
This aspect of DESPERATE and EAGER applies to a lot of areas of life. Are you eager or desperate to please your spouse? Are you desperate or eager to please your boss, your children, your parents? Desperate means dysfunctional. Desperate means that you need something from that relationship and those who are desperate sometimes find themselves to be thieves. Soul thieves.
Sometime a wife gets desperate for her husband's affection so she tries to train him. Sex him when he does what is right and starve him when he fails. Men train well most of the time. Yet then the maintenance of a man falls upon the wife and that gets old real quick. Learn the prayer path to his Father in Heaven. If God watches over the number of hairs upon your head, He is also watching over all your needs.
What are you desperate for? What is the one thing you are desperate for? God's presence? The Second Coming of the LORD? Your next paycheck? Quiet time in the mornings are a place to still the soul so that our hunger for the day is for one thing - His presence present in our lives.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The Joy of a Woman and the Joy of a Man
The Essence of a Man is that he lives for meaning. He wants to know that what he is doing makes a difference. A woman is not the same. She lives for Hope. She wants to know that her tomorrow is different than her today. That is why they endure pregnancy better than men. That is why adultery hurts them but they are better able to forgive because hope is everything to them. When a husband fails his wife, her hope is destroyed. When he owns the wound, learning about who a woman really is and his soul DNA is changed through the process she grows in hope. When a woman cheats on a man, his wound is related to the fact that his love did not count for anything.
Husbands - watch over your wife's hope. When are you taking her to that weekend get away? Plan it, let her know about it and then do it.
Wives - watch over your husband's sense of meaning and purpose related to what he provides and does for you and the kids. Celebrate his faithfulness to you, to provide, to nurture the children and to grow himself. Tell him that his love for you as great meaning in your life. Tell him that his going to work day after day has great meaning to you. Over-emphasize your words but do not lie. In speech class they teach you to speak with intensity and to over-emphasize your constants to get your point across. It works well here.
Husbands - watch over your wife's hope. When are you taking her to that weekend get away? Plan it, let her know about it and then do it.
Wives - watch over your husband's sense of meaning and purpose related to what he provides and does for you and the kids. Celebrate his faithfulness to you, to provide, to nurture the children and to grow himself. Tell him that his love for you as great meaning in your life. Tell him that his going to work day after day has great meaning to you. Over-emphasize your words but do not lie. In speech class they teach you to speak with intensity and to over-emphasize your constants to get your point across. It works well here.
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